Moments In Hell
by muldy
Summary: "She was getting far too weak, too frail, too broken and he didn't know how to help her anymore. He wished there was something, anything, that he could do to help, but he knew she would never admit defeat, not even to him." Missing scenes from Year of Hell. Janeway/Chakotay


She entered her quarters, feeling as bruised and battered as the ship itself. She had long ago given up trying to clean the mess after each battle. It wasn't worth it.

Was any of this worth it?

No. Probably not.

For the first time in their journey she felt like she had made a mistake, that it would have been better for the crew to abandon ship and settle, or split up and try to make their way separately as Chakotay had suggested.

She made her way into her bedroom, only to find the ceiling caved in, her bed unreachable.

She sighed.

Of course.

The rest of the crew were already sleeping in shared quarters, perhaps it was time she joined them.

Part way to the general sleeping quarters she changed her mind and headed for her Ready Room.

Maybe there was something in her logs that would help her find a way out of this hell.

* * *

He glanced across at her, watching her blinking eyes. They were all exhausted but he felt like it was more than that this time. He wanted to reach out and take her hand, ask if everything was okay, but she hadn't been the easiest person to reach recently.

'Kathryn…' he said quietly.

She look across at him.

Maybe it was the fact the lights were dimmed, but he was surprised to see Kathryn turn to him, not Captain Janeway. For a few moments the hard exterior she had built falling, her eyes looking hopeful and needy.

Then it was gone, replaced with the exhausted Captain he was now used to sitting next to all day.

'Yes, Commander?' she replied.

'Have you slept?' he asked.

He could hear the concern in his voice and he hoped she could as well. She was getting far too weak, too frail, too broken and he didn't know how to help her anymore. He wished there was something, anything, that he could do to help, but he knew she would never admit defeat, not even to him.

He had tried to cheer her up with the chronometer but she had refused even that.

'My ceiling caved in during the attack yesterday, I intended to go and find a bed but found myself just going back to work…'

She trailed off and he knew she could read the stern look he was giving her.

'I doubt I would have slept anyway,' she defended herself.

'Kathryn, go sleep. I'll wake you if there's another attack,' he said quietly. 'You can sleep in my quarters. They're a mess but my bed is still in one piece.'

She hesitated for a moment and he could see the cogs ticking in her head, weighing up the pros and cons.

'It's quiet and it's private,' he said quietly. 'And I'll be right here.'

She smiled slightly. 'Thank you, Chakotay.'

She stood up, loudly declared that he had the bridge and headed for the Turbolift. No one asked any questions, they didn't have to, the available space left on Voyager was so small now that there were no secrets left. It was probably common knowledge that the Captain hadn't slept the night before.

Chakotay settled back into his chair. 'Ensign Kim, anything to report?'

'No, sir,' Harry Kim replied instantly.

 _Good_ , Chakotay thought to himself.

Kathryn needed to rest.

* * *

She hesitated as she entered his room. He was right, his bedroom was entirely untouched by the damage, which surprised her given the carnage that was her room on just the other side of the bulkhead.

Glancing cautiously up at the ceiling she noted there wasn't even a crack.

And then for a few moments she stood, staring at his bed, entirely aware of how many fantasies she had had about this bedroom. Ones that involved the person whose room it was, but somehow this still felt like crossing a line, despite his absence.

Those fantasies seemed like they belonged to another life now. One she could barely remember.

Slowly she lay down on his bed, staring at the ceiling, partially afraid it would fall in.

His scent surrounded her at that moment and it suddenly comforted her.

The next thing she knew she was waking up to the sound of alarms.

* * *

He looked over as she ran onto the bridge. He'd not even had a chance to call her yet, and she was there.

'Report, Commander,' she instructed, taking her seat.

'They appeared from nowhere, although they haven't yet fired on us or attempted to make contact,' he filled her in.

'Then let's get out of here,' she spoke firmly. 'Lieutenant Paris, can you – '

Her instructions were cut off by a blast to the ship.

Everything shook.

'Return fire,' she instructed.

'Returning fire,' Tuvok responded.

There was another hit and she fell from her chair, not for the first time in recent months, but this time she knocked her head on the console.

He was at her side immediately, all thoughts of battle and Voyager temporary disappearing from his mind.

'Kathryn?' he asked, slightly panic in his voice.

He reached out and put pressure against the wound on her head.

'I'm fine,' she said, trying to fight him.

She pushed him away and climbed back up onto her seat.

'Tuvok?'

'Our weapons are having no affect on their shields, I suggested we leave the area.'

Chakotay stopped listening, watching with concern as blood trickled down her face.

'Captain, I recommend you see the Doctor immediately,' he tried to sound as authoritive as possible.

She glared at him. 'Thanks for your concern, Commander, but I'm required here.'

'Kathryn, you're required to still be alive tomorrow,' he snapped.

The surprise on her face, and that of everyone else on the Bridge, told him that he had crossed the line from First Officer to overly concerned friend…or whatever they were.

Knowing she wasn't going to give in now, he untucked his shirt and ripped the bottom off neatly, walking towards her.

'What are you…?'

'Sit down,' he commanded, tying the shirt tightly around her head in the hope it would help slow the bleeding, or at least soak up the blood.

At that moment all concentration return to the Krenim vessel as they took another blast. She refused to look at him as he took his seat again, her jaw set tightly and her eyes focusing on the viewscreen ahead.

He kept his eyes on her, although not ignoring his duties as First Officer.

If there was even a hint of collapse he would take her straight to the Doctor.

But as always she managed to get through the battle.

* * *

The fact Chakotay was just hovering there was annoying her. She was fine. It was just a cut. She didn't need looking after.

'You have endured some serious swelling on the brain,' the Doctor muttered. 'I would prefer you stay here so that I can monitor you for the next twelve hours.'

'Make it two and we have a deal,' she snapped at him.

The Doctor looked at her, annoyed. Then let out an extremely loud sigh for someone who doesn't require oxygen.

'Two hours it is, if you agree to rest once I let you out,' the Doctor muttered. 'Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a broken arm and three minor fractures to deal with.'

She didn't respond, still refusing to look over at Chakotay as the Doctor walked away.

'I'm sorry if I crossed a line,' he said quietly.

She felt her anger melt away almost immediately, the sudden urge to reach out and hug him instead taking over.

She wanted comfort, more than anything else at that moment, she wanted him to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

Glancing over at him she felt her jaw relax, her hands unclench, a soft smile reach her lips.

'You have no reason to be sorry,' she replied quietly. 'Thank you.'

And she could see something click in his eyes, as though she was watching the relief flood through him, and she half expected him to reach forward and fulfil her need for physical contact at that moment.

Instead he smiled.

'You need to take care of yourself,' he spoke softly. 'The ship and the crew need you.'

'It doesn't feel like I'm helping them much right now,' she admitted. 'This mess could have been avoided if…'

'Kathryn,' he warned.

'I'm sorry, you're right, no one could have known,' she replied. 'Go and get some rest. I'll be fine.'

'Yes, ma'am,' he replied, touching her arm lightly before he left.

She watched him as he walked off, suddenly not wanting him to leave.

What was happening to her? Had things actually gotten so bad she wanted to throw regulations out the window?

* * *

He was only half asleep when he heard the door slide open. He knew it was her, he could tell from the way she walked.

He also knew she had nowhere else to go, didn't let his hopes get too high.

It didn't mean anything.

She didn't say a word as she entered the room and he pretended to be asleep, facing away from the door, not wanting his movement to scare her away. She needed to rest, they both did, and if she thought too hard about her decision he knew she would choose to run, rather than get the sleep she required to function.

To his surprise she not only climbed under the blankets, but after a few moments she placed her arm lightly around his waist.

'Thank you, Chakotay,' she whispered quietly in his ear as she leaned her head against the back of his neck.

He could feel her breath against his skin and he wondered what the chances of him actually getting any sleep like this were.

Aware that he had suddenly stopped breathing and that she would absolutely know he was awake he decided to respond.

'Always,' he said quietly, intertwining his fingers with hers lightly against his chest and pulling her a little closer.

He didn't turn around, he couldn't, if he did that there would be no chance of either of them sleeping at all.

* * *

When she awoke in the morning somehow they were facing each other, their foreheads lightly pressed together and their hands joined, sitting between them.

And he was watching her, a soft smile on his lips.

'If I'd known the knock on the head was going to result in you sleeping with me, I might not have been so concerned,' he joked quietly.

She half rolled her eyes at him, but smiled as she did so. 'Never miss the opportunity for a flirt, do you, Chakotay?'

He squeezed her hand lightly. 'Only with you.'

She felt her stomach knot as he said it. She knew that they had crossed a line, but the circumstances had changed. Her certainty that they were going to make it home alive had been shattered, and they had lost so many already…

'I guess it's time to face whatever the Krenim have to fire at us today,' she said quietly, letting go of his hand and sliding out of bed.

She was already dressed, so simply slipped her shoes on. There was no point trying for the sonic shower, they had all given up working weeks earlier.

And with that she made her way to the bridge, trying to push away the thoughts of spending the rest of her life in Chakotay's quarters, waiting for their inevitable deaths.

* * *

Four more deaths. They had lost four more people that morning and he knew she was starting to lose faith that they were going to get through this. Everyone was, but her most of all.

He stood in the middle of his quarters, staring at the mess scattered around.

He picked up a chair from the ground and brushed it off, placing it next to the table with what was left of the other chair. He stared at it for a moment, remembering what things had been like before.

What he would give for a quiet, boring day travelling through empty space right about now.

The door slid open and she entered. He turned to look at her and she just stood there as the door shut behind her.

'Kathryn?' he asked quietly.

She didn't say a word.

He took a few steps towards her, placing a hand lightly on her arm.

To his surprise she pushed him away. She was stronger than he expected and it took him by surprise. Then before he knew what was happening she had pushed him up against the wall and she was kissing him.

Not passionately, not lovingly.

With desperation.

Her hands clawed at his shirt, trying to pull it out from his uniform pants.

Her lips started to kiss his neck and he closed his eyes, unable to fight what she was doing to him, unable to say no to the woman he had longed after for so long. The idea of just letting her have her way and dealing with the consequences later overtaking him.

But he knew better.

He couldn't let her do this.

'Kathryn, what are you doing?' he managed to grunt out as she pulled his shirt over his head.

She didn't respond, her hands gripping his arms as she returned to kissing his lips. Then her hands moved south, clawing at his pants…

Maybe he hadn't spoken clearly enough.

He pushed her back, holding onto her arms and looking her in the eyes.

She refused to make eye contact.

Her eyes were blank, expressionless. Emotionless.

Broken.

'What are you doing?' he asked again.

Her dead eyes looked up at him.

'I thought this was what you wanted,' she said bluntly. 'Or did I misread all those longing glances and smiles across the room?'

'This isn't what I wanted,' he whispered. 'Not like this.'

'Then what?' she snapped at him.

Using every ounce of self-control he had he pushed himself away from the wall, letting go of her and walking back towards the table.

'Don't tell me you look at everyone like that,' she continued, following him. 'Or is it just because I wouldn't sleep with you that you wanted me?'

It felt like a punch to the gut.

Did she really think that of him?

He spun around and looked at her.

'Tell me Chakotay, if this isn't what you want, why…?'

'Because I love you,' he cut her off. 'Because I would do anything for you, anything to make sure you were happy, I would go to the ends of the universe if you asked me to. But I won't have sex with you because you want to hide from your emotions. I won't have you looking at me with regret tomorrow.'

She stopped.

For a few moments she simply stood in front of him, looking so small in the room filled with rubble. And then he watched as tears filled her eyes.

Then she clasped her hand over her mouth in realisation of what had just happened and she turned around, beginning to shake.

His heart ached for her and he took a step forward.

* * *

She wasn't entirely sure what had overcome her. Tuvok had informed her of the deaths and she had walked straight over here with nothing on her mind other than getting her First Officer naked and in bed, of feeling pleasure throughout her body, of forgetting everything.

She hadn't even thought of him as Chakotay in that moment.

Just as a piece of meat to distract herself with.

As the tears poured down her face she began to shake.

And then his bare arms were around her and she turned to him, leaning her head against his chest and letting the tears run down his skin.

'It's okay,' he said quietly, running his fingers through her short hair.

She couldn't speak yet, she needed the tears to flow freely. Months worth of tears all coming out at once.

After what seemed like forever he pulled away, cupping her face with his hands and wiping away the remaining tears on her face.

She looked up at him and she could see it in his face, the look she had temporarily convinced herself was lust, but what she knew was a whole lot more than that.

She half-smiled through her tears.

'I'm sorry, Chakotay, I don't know what came over me…' she said quietly.

'I do,' he replied. 'How about I make you a tea? I think I have some left.'

She wanted to refuse, tell him they needed to save all rations, but then she hadn't eaten all day and it wasn't food but it was something.

Nodding slowly, she watched as he made her the cup of tea, slowly letting herself sink into the chair by the table.

Had he just said he loved her?

He had, hadn't he?

She watched him, realising how much pain she must have cost him over the years by holding him at a distance. And she wanted him to know that she hadn't meant it, she hadn't wanted to push him away, she just couldn't stand the idea of losing him, of her falling apart.

But she was there anyway, wasn't she?

She'd lost so many and she could barely remember what it felt like to be a functional human being.

He walked over, holding out the tea for her, sitting down on a stool that had once been a chair.

They sat in silence for a long while as she sipped on her tea and she could feel his worried eyes on her.

She looked up at him.

'Did you say you loved me?' she asked softly.

'Yes,' he replied.

'Since when?'

She watched him trying to think it through, trying to figure out an answer and then she suddenly didn't need one. She understood.

'I don't remember not being in love with you,' he finally replied. 'But I understand if you don't feel the same…'

She reached out and lightly touched his cheek.

'Chakotay,' she said quietly. 'You have been there for me from the moment we met. I told you once that I couldn't imagine a day without you and that's still true. I haven't let myself admit it, but that feeling isn't just about you being my First Officer or my friend. I was so afraid that if I told you I loved you that I'd lose you. And now that seems so inevitable that I can't see any reason not to tell you that I love you…'

And to her surprise she watched as tears formed in his eyes. The stoic eyes that she had looked into so many times for support and never seen any sorrow in.

'I won't let that happen, Kathryn,' he said quietly. 'I won't let us all die for nothing.'

'I don't see how you can stop it,' she whispered.

He took her hands in his and held them tightly.

'I have something to fight for that I never thought I'd hear you say,' he said. 'And I'm not willing to lose that. I'm not willing to lose you. Not for anything.'

And before she even knew what happened he had pulled her closer, kissing her in a soft, loving way that completely contradicted her earlier attempt at distraction. A mixture of salted tears and dirt and love and admiration, all piled into one.

* * *

He didn't want to get up when they heard the alarms this time, hoping that maybe it was a false alarm.

But she pulled away from his arms, gathering her clothes and pulling them back on.

It wasn't like they had slept anyway, but he had a feeling like today something was going to change and he didn't want that. He wanted to stay in this exact moment forever.

They walked together in silence to the Bridge. No one asked when they entered together. No one cared anymore.

Suddenly every moment he had spent telling himself that it was better for everyone if they remained apart over the years seemed redundant and all he could think of was if he could rewind time, how he would do things differently.

'Report, Commander,' she spoke to Tuvok.

Tuvok's report wasn't great.

It never was anymore.

He took his First Officer's seat.

This felt like an end somehow.

She looked at him as she sat down in the Captain's chair and he saw it.

Love.

Completely unfiltered, pure, unhidden love.

And she reached out and took his hand as a torpedo hit them and Voyager shook. A now familiar feeling.

'Maybe today is the day we'll get the shields working,' she said quietly.

He nodded.

'I hope so.'

* * *

The next time she entered his quarters it was following an unknown energy signal, and kneeling down she realised what it was.

'You disobeyed orders…'

Her heart shattered as she picked up the chronometer, realising for the first time what it must have done to him for her to so casually discard his gift.

He had been gone so long she had almost forgotten he had ever given it to her.

'Captain?'

She registered Neelix was talking, and for a moment she had almost forgotten he was there.

Holding onto the chronometer as if it was Chakotay himself, and in a way it was all she had left of him, she spoke with great difficulty.

'Chakotay gave this to me five months ago. A birthday gift,' she paused. 'I ordered him to…'

Unable to admit that she had pushed him away when he had been trying to do everything he could to show her how much he cared, she secured the watch to her waist, standing up.

'What do you think?' she asked Neelix.

He smiled.

'Handsome!'

And with that she lead him away from the quarters, feeling like it was the last time she was ever going to see them, but happy in the knowledge that a part of Chakotay was with her now.

And she was never going to let that go.


End file.
